Why I feel so alone, not important and useless? What I am going to do?
Believe me I am a positive person, and many people around me knows that I have lots of friends, fun and I’m always happy. But why right now I’m questioning myself, my purpose, if I am really needed here–to where I am? Why I look so happy outside but deep inside and every night I’m crying.
- It’s because I am a people person, I love people and I love pleasing them. For me the more the merrier. But this cause me a lot of heartbreaks too I did not ready myself to the fact that people come and go. The more people I included in my life is the more chances that I will feel left out and will get the feeling of losing something and I hate that.
- I want what other people want and stop wanting what I really want. I grew up being able to get what I want but I made sure that it’s possible and I am entitled. I pursue and give my best believing that if I do that I could earn things that I want. And if it’s impossible and think that I do not deserve it I stop wanting for it and tried wanting to do or to have what other people want me to have. And the more I focus to that the more I failed and feel that I am just a disappointment.
- I know I am replaceable. When my father died, I started thinking would it be better if I’m the one gone and not my father? Since my father died my mom lost a husband and us her children lost a father. But If I am the one who died, my parents will still be together and maybe they lost me but they will still have 3 children and now even a grandchildren. All my siblings have their own family so no difference if I’m gone. And to my friends they have a lot and I am replaceable.
And these are the sad thoughts of my life. The reality and a battle that I need to face. A fight of my life that I need to be standing. Cause life isn’t always what I think it is. The world is too sad that I will never be satisfied if I will be dependent on this.
You know why I’m still holding on? It’s because I’m holding on to what Jesus did on the cross. He suffer and died for me. Even if I am the sinful one. Even if I am the one who deserve to die. He did everything for me and so the life I have right now is not mine that I should think and create my own fairy tale, that I should depend on the love of people around me or think that I should be important to them.
Jesus died for me and so I am important to Him and that is enough.
So to all those who feel the same, the good news is, He also died for you too. He died for all of us.