Alone?

Why I feel so alone, not important and useless? What I am going to do?

Believe me I am a positive person, and many people around me knows that I have lots of friends, fun and I’m always happy. But why right now I’m questioning myself, my purpose, if I am really needed here–to where I am? Why I look so happy outside but deep inside and every night I’m crying.

  1. It’s because I am a people person, I love people and I love pleasing them. For me the more the merrier. But this cause me a lot of heartbreaks too I did not ready myself to the fact that people come and go. The more people I included in my life is the more chances that I will feel left out and will get the feeling of losing something and I hate that.
  2. I want what other people want and stop wanting what I really want.  I grew up being able to get what I want but I made sure that it’s possible and I am entitled. I pursue and give my best believing that if I do that I could earn things that I want. And if it’s impossible and think that I do not deserve it I stop wanting for it and tried wanting to do or to have what other people want me to have. And the more I focus to that the more I failed and feel that I am just a disappointment.
  3. I know I am replaceable. When my father died, I started thinking would it be better if I’m the one gone and not my father? Since my father died my mom lost a husband and us her children lost a father. But If I am the one who died, my parents will still be together and maybe they lost me but they will still have 3 children and now even a grandchildren. All my siblings have their own family so no difference if I’m gone. And to my friends they have a lot and I am replaceable.

And these are the sad thoughts of my life. The reality and a battle that I need to face. A fight of my life that I need to be standing. Cause life isn’t always what I think it is.  The world is too sad that I will never be satisfied if I will be dependent on this.

You know why I’m still holding on? It’s because I’m holding on to what Jesus did on the cross. He suffer and died for me. Even if I am the sinful one. Even if I am the one who deserve to die. He did everything for me and so the life I have right now is not mine that I should think and create my own fairy tale, that I should depend on the love of people  around me or think that I should be important to them. 

Jesus died for me and so I am important to Him and that is enough. 

So to all those who feel the same, the good news is, He also died for you too. He died for all of us. 

 

 

 

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Balat kayo

Yung akala mo at ng iba ay ok ka.

Pinipilit mong maging masaya sa labas pero umiiyak ka sa loob.

Pinipilit mong ipakita na matapang ka.

Pero ang totoo sa isip mo ay gusto mo ng sumuko.

Ang gusto mo lang eh sumigaw at ilabas ang sarili mo.

Ang gusto mo lang eh ay may makinig sa bawat salitang naiisip mo. (May kwenta man o wala ito, paulit ulit man o bago)

Sana’y kaya mong bumangon sa pagkakatumba mong ito.

Sana’y kaya mong bumalik sa naiwan mo.

At magpatuloy sa patutunguhan mo.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2016

God is so faithful even in time that I’m not. And for this last day of 2016 I want to just share to you 3 things I am so grateful to Him. I know I have a lot to be thankful for, but let me just show you my favorites.

1. Mt. Kinabalu

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Mt. Kinabalu – May 31, 2016

Pinangarap ko agad akyatin ang bundok na toh simula palang sa unang kita ko sa kanya. Oo sobrang naengganyo ako nung nakita ko ang selfie ni Drew A na childhood ultimate crush ko..Pero iba! Iba ang ginawang pagtupad ni God sa pangarap kong to. He showed me that He provides, He showed me that he protects and He showed me His power and love. Amazing ang experience and ang lugar na ito that I will never ever forget. Dreams do come true, if you let God do it for you. 😂

2. Rei ❤

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Mt. Paliparan- July 16, 2016

This is our first picture together (friends palang kami dito.) Actually nung una ko syang nakilala. I never thought that he will be someone na maging part ng surprises ni God sakin. Yes he is gwapo, pero hindi ko naisip na ang katulad nya ay taong magkakagusto sakin. So I did not attempt to think na pwede kami.  Pero iba si God eh, di mo minsan maintindihan how He will work sa mga plano nya. We get along, talk a lot of things– mountains,work, bible,past, present, future and anything. Until dumating yung time that I dare to open and believe in something that I never thought I will believe again. Thanking God for this chance. Learning new things with him .Indeed, Rei is now my best ever favorite answered prayer for 2016.❤

And not like my other answered prayers. He is the one I will not stop praying for. By the grace and love of God to us, hope we might be able to love each other until the time and chances that He is giving to us.

3. Journey to 30 (Kuala Lumpur, Brunei and Kota Kinabalu)

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Melaca Malaysia- Nov 29, 2016

This!!! hindi ko na naisip pa matupad ito. With all my challenges financially hindi ko alam kung mangyayari pa ang paglalakbay na ito. But provisions and favors come until dumating ang moment and time na toh. Journey to 30 na hindi naman talagah isa sa mahalagang bagay or event pero God still gave it to me.  Thanking Him for people He used to bless me.

At ang pinaka higlight sa Journey na toh. God was able to restore the friendship I lost before. He let me experience forgiveness. And those times na iniisip ko before na kala ko wala na He just restore it na parang walang nangyari, may bonus pa na bagong kaibigan which really what I’m thinking before nung mga bata pa kami.  🙂

As the new year is entering, I pray for more of God sa buhay ko. More than these great and happy experiences. Things will never be awesome if not with God.  I pray that I will be more faithful to Him.  That He will be the center of everything. Yes I am expectant, I am expectant for all the plans he have for me, plans that in Him, always pleasing and perfect. 🙂

An open letter from Mr. Right

My first reblog..a good read

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Dear daughters of God,

Contrary to what you have heard, I do exist. I’m no fairytale hunk with big muscles and thing for chick flicks (although, I may or may not have a man bun). So, put your daydreams of love off to the side for a minute and let me tell you what makes me, “Mr. Right” and why people keep telling you to wait for me.

The first thing I really want for you to understand is that I was not born your Mr. Right. I promise we weren’t destined to cross paths and lock eyes from across a crowded room and fall hopelessly in love. God has been working in my heart for YEARS! Do you realize what was in my heart before Christ saved me?! Of course you don’t because we haven’t met yet, but I can promise you it is equally as crazy and sinful as…

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Walls

A familiar feeling returned to my heart almost two years ago.  A feeling that I only admit here in this writing. Even I never admit it with myself, that my heart keeps on beating and jumping when you’re around, that my heart is happy, so happy when you talk to me. And you know what this feeling comes with  a warning that I shouldn’t and I know I should stop . I know I should not have this feeling so all this time I’m building  walls upon walls until I feel safe with this emotion. Walls that I know will protect me of breaking my heart and getting hurt so much. And you know what, I realized today that it’s not enough. Today I am so much hurt, more than hurt than before. I’m hurt that I let myself fall and no one catch me that you will never ever catch me. I found that hole in my wall and I have to start fixing it.

Walls walls walls I will never ever break you and I will just wait for that someone God will send with a hammer in his hand to open it and find me there.

Reminder….

What you feel may not always be the right thing. What you see may not always be the real one.
What you hear may not be the truth. Who you are to others is not who you are to all.

One thing is for sure it is right if God is in your heart.. It is real if you faithfully believe. It’s the truth cause you heard it from Him. And it is you the way He looks at you. ❤

#love #God #faith

My Love Story

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I’ve been dreaming of a perfect and wonderful love story. On unexpected time and place I will meet a man that would totally makes me off guard. And on that same day I will feel that my heart beat so fast and knew that the stranger in front of me will change my life forever. He too will feel the same as he met me. Since then, he will pursue me. He will surprise me with red roses and send me love letters that I could read every day. And even if we just met, we will get along so well and we’ll know each other deeply. We will share our thoughts and dreams. And even our past mistakes and failures will be the bridge to connect us with each other. He is the man of courage and he will fight for me no matter what. He will understand even the weakest part of me. In a short period that we’re getting to know each other he is sure of keeping me forever in his life so he’ll do his proposal to me as how I want it.  And of course I would receive that because I am always sure of him since the time I met him. We will be married in the garden full of butterflies flying around us and the place will be dominant in red. He will deliver his vows while crying for happiness and me for the first time will experience the tears of joy. Everyone is happy for us including both our families. Finally, the Pastor would tell us that we are now husband and wife. And the groom would kiss the bride. So we will live happily ever after.

 But then the realization came into my mind. I am just a dreamer and a frustrated writer of all I want. I’m creating my own story without including and thinking what my true creator wants? What the author of my life put in this area of my life? Is he going to permit this or he will totally have his own story for me? The only thing that sure is that, God had created a unique love story for me. He already wrote the best part of my life and He knew when, where and how would I met His creation for me. No matter how big, how great and how beautiful my writing is, still God has the power to let it happen. I will still choose to follow Him and what He wants for me for He is my master and my creator.

God loves me so much and He knows what I’m asking. As always, His will is better than my will and my story “my love story” is just little of what He can create amazingly.  I received Jesus as my Lord and Savior; I should give to Him everything about my life. I just need to pray and trust him wholeheartedly. No exemption, even MY LOVE STORY!

The best is yet to come and that is HIS STORY FOR ME. 🙂